Top Ten Words that Almost Rhyme With "Peas" [Archive]

Hawkeye

01-07-2005, 10:43 AM

Top Ten Signs Your Boss Is Spying On You

10. Wherever you go you're followed by a potted plant in loafers.
9. The bracelet he gave you for Christmas beeps if you leave your cubicle.
8. Office coffee has hint of hazelnut and sodium pentothal.
7. Your name:"Sam." Next to your parking spot: "Reserved for the guy following Sam"
6. Find yourself getting tasered more than with previous bosses.
5. Your new secretary looks a lot like that chick from "Alias"
4. Instead of photos of wife and kids on his desk, he has a photo of you sleeping.
3. When you're alone in the men's room, a voice tells you to quit blocking the lens.
2. Boss critical of typos in your personal e-mails.
1. The fax machine just coughed.

Extras:
- Guy comes to your door and asks "Is this the office where I'm supposed to install the hidden microphones?"
- You lift the lid of the photocopier and find him crouched inside, trying to look inconspicuous.
- When you mention what time it is, he says, "Oh, 12:55---just like your ATM PIN!!"
- Asks to look at your phone so he knows what kind of wiretap to buy.
- You sometimes see his mustache poking through air vent by your desk.

Hawkeye

01-26-2005, 04:24 PM

Top Ten George Bush Goals For His Second Term

10. Fewer idiotic remarks; more hilarious pratfalls.
9. Add mother Barbara to Mount Rushmore.
8. Combine Nebraska and Kansas into new state: Nebransas.
7. Spice up boring state dinners with tasty fish sticks!
6. Improve communication skills from poor to fair.
5. Catch up on his "Smokey And The Bandit" collection.
4. Get Ray Stevens to write some funny lyrics for "Hail To The Chief"
3. Ride every roller coaster in the country.
2. Install remote-activated button in Oval Office so he can blow stuff up right from his desk!
1. Begin vote-rigging process for Jeb's White House run in 2008.

Crumbles

01-26-2005, 04:34 PM

Top Ten John Kerry Goals For His.....never term

10. Win
9. Punish people who make money
8. Raise taxes (only for rich people though, poor people have enough problems with being poor)
7. Win
6. Buy some flip flops
5. Get the world approval next time for him to run
4. Keep social security
3. Try to force republicans to be more compassionate
2. Put duct tape over wifes mouth
1. Eat more of his favorite past time: Waffles.

VashTesh

01-26-2005, 11:28 PM

Hawkeye

01-27-2005, 01:26 PM

*rabble* if a Republican says it, I believe it *rabble* At least find one that is funny....

Top Ten John Kerry Excuses

10. Voters were in a fever-induced haze because they couldn't get flu shots.
9. Floridians confused by shockingly unconfusing ballots.
8. Maybe it wasn't best idea to begin speeches with "yo mama is so fat" jokes.
7. The endorsement from Osama Bin Laden didn't exactly help him.
6. "Dude--it's the Curse of the Bambino."
5. Should've campaigned more in New Mexico, less in regular Mexico.
4. Turns out voters think it's hot that Cheney has a lesbian daughter.
3. Thought America was ready for a lunatic first lady.
2. Voters seem to really like a weak economy and a badly-run war.
1. Was distracted by late night erotic phone calls from Bill O'Reilly.

Or an older one:

Top Ten Ways John Kerry Celebrated Winning The Democratic Nomination

10. Got big "nominee" tatoo on his ass
9. Everywhere he went he'd shout, "democratic nominizzle in the hizzouse"
8. A little flippin', a little floppin'
7. Wore something special under his suit to make him feel "pretty"
6. Hung out with Bill Clinton and 30 coeds from the University of Massachusetts
5. Joined former democratic rivals to feast on the spit-roasted carcass of Dennis Kucinich
4. Received engraved watch from Edwards; out of habit, threw it away
3. While taking congratulatory phone call from Bush, got to hear president crash his bike again
2. Botox til he couldn't see straight
1. "Caucused" with Teresa, twice

Crumbles

01-27-2005, 01:52 PM

*i like democratic views because they don't effect me even though they are totally shitty and stupid*
Yea, I know it wasn't funny, I just made it up on the fly...

Hawkeye

01-27-2005, 03:56 PM

I like being a Republican b/c it allows me to live in a nice little box where I don't have to worry at all about my fellow man and only care about myself! Plus I can blame everyone's problems on themselves and not believe that their environment has anything to do with it. Why listen to their individual stories when I can just sum them all up with an easy generalization that is spoon-fed to me by my party? Oh, ok, I understand.

Crumbles

01-27-2005, 04:18 PM

I like being a Republican b/c it allows me to live in a nice little box where I don't have to worry at all about my fellow man and only care about myself!Umm...I think you must be confused... you seem to only care about yourself. You proved that with your numerous Democratic views. I.E. - "Who cares if he wants to raise taxes for the rich, that doesn't effect me!" and "I honestly don't give a shit about your Dad who went to school longer and worked harder to make more money, fuck him, tax him more he can afford it! I need more of the rich peoples money because I don't want to work to get it! It doesn't effect me! I'm not selfish!"

Also, I'm pretty much libertarian, but Republicans have more of my views than Democrats.

Plus I can blame everyone's problems on themselves and not believe that their environment has anything to do with it.What are you talking about? I very much think environmental factors have effects on everything. I have said that from the begenning.

also, democratic/your views are "he had a bad life (because of environment), he shouldn't have responsibility, give him more money."

Why listen to their individual stories when I can just sum them all up with an easy generalizationThere is no easy generalization. It's really complex which is why the majority of people who are dumb don't get it.

that is spoon-fed to me by my party?Yea, I'm sure you have no bias with your dad's situation.

Crumbles

01-27-2005, 04:36 PM

Top Two Signs A Thread Will Totally De-Rail:

2. Hawkeye
1. Crumbles

Hawkeye

01-27-2005, 04:50 PM

Umm...I think you must be confused... you seem to only care about yourself. You proved that with your numerous Democratic views. I.E. - "Who cares if he wants to raise taxes for the rich, that doesn't effect me!" and "I honestly don't give a shit about your Dad who went to school longer and worked harder to make more money, fuck him, tax him more he can afford it! I need more of the rich peoples money because I don't want to work to get it! It doesn't effect me! I'm not selfish!" First off, let's get this straight. I'm not a democrat, I have never voted democrat, and don't plan on voting democrat. I just like pointing out your obvious bias to the Republican/Libertarian party. So when you come out only stating one side of the story, I make it a point to show the other side.

Plus, you keep saying John Kerry wants to raise taxes for the rich. This is not true. He wanted to *reduce* the large tax cut Bush had planned mostly for the rich. There is a difference. So by me saying I didn't care about your dad's hard work, was not saying I don't think he deserves his money. I was saying I don't think he should keep a larger percentage of his money than someone who is poor. I personnaly believe in the flat tax idea. Everyone should pay the same percentage of their paychecks, regardless of the situation.

What are you talking about? I very much think environmental factors have effects on everything. I have said that from the begenning. Also, democratic/your views are "he had a bad life (because of environment), he shouldn't have responsibility, give him more money." Yet again, you are lumping me in with democrats. Even if this was my view, what of it? Did I say we should make exceptions for people that have had to struggle through life? No, but if it was up to you, you'd probably get rid of welfare and every other social program designed to help people in need. Despite programs like this having helped you in the past. IE short term disability.

There is no easy generalization. It's really complex which is why the majority of people who are dumb don't get it. So you're saying that your view of welfare is positive? You've never told me "The reason people are poor is because they don't try hard enough and want to live off other's money"?

Yea, I'm sure you have no bias with your dad's situation. What situation is that? My dad is a die hard Republican who has more money in the bank than he can count. Quite the opposite of me.

Hawkeye

01-27-2005, 04:56 PM

Top Two Signs A Thread Will Totally De-Rail:

2. Hawkeye
1. CrumblesTop Ten List of People I Hate Named Matt:
10. Matt

and so on......

Crumbles

01-27-2005, 05:05 PM

I just like pointing out your obvious bias to the Republican/Libertarian party. So when you come out only stating one side of the story, I make it a point to show the other side.Yea, no kidding I'm bias to the republican/libertarian party. It makes more sense, and it fits with what I beleive in. You wouldn't point out the other side unless you thought it was better, or if you believed in it. That makes no sense to argue the other side if you don't believe in it. I know what Democratic views are, that's why I think they are idiots. I don't need you to remind me what they are.

I was saying I don't think he should keep a larger percentage of his money than someone who is poor.That's total bullshit to do that. Apparently you have no logical reason at all to justify this. You just apparently think it's fair to take from people who work harder, where as I think you should not be penalized for it.

you'd probably get rid of welfare and every other social program designed to help people in need. Despite programs like this having helped you in the past.Yes, I would. With out a second thought. The government should not have that responsibility.

You've never told me "The reason people are poor is because they don't try hard enough and want to live off other's money"?Steve, a MAJORITY of the time people are poor because they don't try hard and want to live off of other peoples money. There now, I've told you. If I got fired from my job, I know that I could take a 3rd shift at a BP starting at $8-10 an hour and still be able to pay for my bills. And you know what, I would eventually get promoted because I would do well at the job because I'm not an idiot, and don't want to live off others; money.

What situation is that? My dad is a die hard Republican who has more money in the bank than he can count. Quite the opposite of me.Your Dad, Boy, and You (you may be a coincedence though) all changed their republican views once he got fired on his b-day. Your dad voted democrat in the last election, as did your brother. Shit, your bro used to preach to me about Boortz more than I did to other people back in the day.

Hawkeye

01-27-2005, 08:30 PM

Your Dad, Boy, and You (you may be a coincedence though) all changed their republican views once he got fired on his b-day. Your dad voted democrat in the last election, as did your brother. Shit, your bro used to preach to me about Boortz more than I did to other people back in the day.My friend you are sorely, sorely mistaken. First off, my dad has never changed his Republican views ever. He did not vote Democrat this last election, he voted Bush. Trust me. Although he did vote in the Democratic Primaries just because he didn't want there to even be a chance for John Kerry to be President. And second, did you forget my dad lost his job and got a new job on the SAME DAY? As he was driving home from being laid off he got a new job. So I can't see how this would affect his political views. Maybe if he was laid off and couldn't find a job for months/years he would try to blame it on Bush. But he didn't.

I'll respond to the rest of your rant later, I have to head to the gym.

Hawkeye

01-27-2005, 08:35 PM

Yea, no kidding I'm bias to the republican/libertarian party. It makes more sense, and it fits with what I beleive in. You wouldn't point out the other side unless you thought it was better, or if you believed in it. That makes no sense to argue the other side if you don't believe in it. I know what Democratic views are, that's why I think they are idiots. I don't need you to remind me what they are. Ok, this pissed me off enough to respond to this right now. NO, I AM NOT A DEMOCRAT. Is that apparent enough for you? I seriously just push that side of the political argument because you spend so much time pushing yours. Do you not remember that political matrix we all took? Where was my red dot? In the direct middle, meaning I didn't lean left and I didn't lean right. I have numerous beliefs from both parties. If I was such a strong democrat, don't you think I would have voted for Kerry?

Just to reiterate, I am a middle man. I can feel myself leaning in both directions depending on the issue. I just like arguing with you and it's hard having arguments if we both agree on every subject. So I take up the opposite side just to piss you off and to force you into a discussion.

Crumbles

01-27-2005, 10:35 PM

So I take up the opposite side just to piss you off ...So is that why you tell me you're straight? OHHH! :cake:

I'll respond seriously tomorrow... I'm tired as ass and I just got home ...

Crumbles

01-28-2005, 06:28 AM

you'd probably get rid of welfare and every other social program designed to help people in need.
I don't know how I read this wrong yesterday, but those are two totally different programs. I will respond to this later today. I don't like typing while I stand!

Hawkeye

01-28-2005, 10:23 AM

I don't know how I read this wrong yesterday, but those are two totally different programs. I will respond to this later today. I don't like typing while I stand! Uhh, yeah, one is a specific program and the other is a general name for a group of programs the goverment sponsors where I didn't feel like naming each one.

And at least you got to stand! Jess's mom is in town in the spare bedroom, so I got booted off my PC last night at like 9:30pm. Yea!

Crumbles

01-28-2005, 10:57 AM

Uhh, yeah, one is a specific program and the other is a general name for a group of programs the goverment sponsors where I didn't feel like naming each one.

And at least you got to stand! Jess's mom is in town in the spare bedroom, so I got booted off my PC last night at like 9:30pm. Yea!
I have a few seconds right now... but in short, welfare is a govt. program which I would love to get rid of. STD is an employee benifit. You said I enjoyed the govt. program which isn't true.

Hawkeye

01-28-2005, 01:23 PM

That's total bullshit to do that. Apparently you have no logical reason at all to justify this. You just apparently think it's fair to take from people who work harder, where as I think you should not be penalized for it. Did you read what I said? I said "I don't think someone who is rich should have a lower percentage of taxes taken out of their check" Meaning, it should be equal. 20% across the board regardless if you make $20,000 / year or $200,000 a year.

Yes, I would. With out a second thought. The government should not have that responsibility...... welfare is a govt. program which I would love to get rid of. And you would enjoy our country sliding into the slums. Stop thinking of welfare as communism or everyone should have equal wealth. IT IS NOT a redistribution of wealth, but rather, the cost of living in a society that maintains a certain level of civility and culture. Countries with no safety net are not in the G-8 and never will be, because poverty begats poverty. To me, the question is, not if to have a social welfare net at all, but to what level is best for everyone, and the best for society in general, and at what point it helps business vs. hurts business.

(Source: http://www.americasdebate.com/forums/simple/index.php/t5145.html)

Crumbles

01-28-2005, 01:54 PM

Did you read what I said? I said "I don't think someone who is rich should have a lower percentage of taxes taken out of their check" Meaning, it should be equal. 20% across the board regardless if you make $20,000 / year or $200,000 a year.
Yes, I did. Umm... dude, that is not equal across the board.

And you would enjoy our country sliding into the slums. Stop thinking of welfare as communism or everyone should have equal wealth. IT IS NOT a redistribution of wealth, but rather, the cost of living in a society that maintains a certain level of civility and culture. Countries with no safety net are not in the G-8 and never will be, because poverty begats poverty. To me, the question is, not if to have a social welfare net at all, but to what level is best for everyone, and the best for society in general, and at what point it helps business vs hurts business.
No, the only way to better everyone is to give up entirely on money, and work because we as humans want to better ourselves. That's the only way that will work. Our country would not slide into the slums if welfare was gone. Plus, I'm not saying have nothing to help people like that, I'm saying it should NOT be the govt. responsibility. These are things that the church and such should take care of.

Hawkeye

01-28-2005, 02:06 PM

** EDIT: If anyone cares to see the rest of this discussion, Matt has moved it to its own thread: http://www.mattandthat.com/forum/showthread.php?p=2489&posted=1#post2489

Boy

01-28-2005, 09:34 PM

This is like the longest unfunny joke ever told.

Hawkeye

01-28-2005, 09:47 PM

This is like the longest unfunny joke ever told. HAHAHAHA, that is awesome. +rep! We moved the thread bitch!

Hawkeye

01-31-2005, 03:04 PM

In an effort to get this thread back on track, here's some more top ten lists about the President!

Top Ten President Bush Excuses For Not Finding Weapons of Mass Destruction

10. "We've only looked through 99% of the country"
9. "We spent entire budget making those playing cards"
8. "Containers are labeled in some crazy language"
7. "They must have been stolen by some of them evil X-Men mutants"
6. "Did I say Iraq has weapons of mass destruction? I meant they have goats"
5. "How are we supposed to find weapons of mass destruction when we can't even find Cheney?"
4. "Still screwed up because of Daylight Savings Time"
3. "When you're trying to find something, it's always in the last place you look, am I right, people?"
2. "Let's face it -- I ain't exactly a genius"
1. "Geraldo took them"

Hawkeye

02-08-2005, 01:44 PM

Top Ten Philadelphia Eagles' Excuses

10. "Spent two weeks practicing the coin toss."
9. "Discouraged by half time show's lack of nudity."
8. "We were missing 'Desperate Housewives'--who could think straight?"
7. "We're overwhelmed by the awe-inspiring metropolis that is Jacksonville."
6. "Oh, suddenly referees are too good to take bribes?!"
5. "Who really wants to get Gatorade dumped on them?"
4. "Should have campaigned harder in Ohio."
3. "It's totally unfair, the Patriots are really good."
2. "Maybe being from the land of cheese steaks ain't a good thing."
1. "When Tom Brady looked at us with those gorgeous eyes, we just melted."

Extras:
1. "Spent 3 weeks eating egg whites like little ballerinas."
2. "After thinking about Bush running America into the ground, left the crushing feeling of 'what's the point'"
3. "When we heard 'Jacksonville', we went to the Neverland Ranch."
4. "Got logy after Donovan McNabb's mom force-fed us all that Chunky soup."
5. "Devastated by Joan Rivers' bitchy comments about our uniforms."

Crumbles

02-08-2005, 03:02 PM

Top 10 Excuses Hawkeye Has For Losing At C&C: RA2 Last Night:

10. He thought "Command & Conquer" had something to do with taking a shit instead.
9. Hey, my phone was a ringin' !!!
8. Dude, I totally forgot to build tanks!
7. "Hey, what are all those red dots coming at me on the map? Oh well, time to build a garden!"
6. "I need more power captain!"
5. "I was trying to re-enact the chernobyl experience."
4. "I'm sorry, OK! I'm just not as good as Commander Crumbles!"
3. "I was too busy counting all the money I got back from social security to notice the massive army Commander Crumbles had coming at me."
2. "Hey, back off! I was too busy watching the puppy bowl."
1. "I "Command," Crumbles "Conquers!""

Hawkeye

02-08-2005, 03:39 PM

*lies* Top Ten Crumbles Excuses For His 1 Win - 385 Loss C&C Record

10. "One way trip!"
9. "Dude, it's not my fault, it's Westwood's."
8. "Tank attack? I thought you said Tasty Snack!"
7. "I've always admired the French's war record...."
6. "After the "Jump jet" incident, I just haven't had the nerve."
5. "These shiny boxes is tricky, Paw!"
4. "Only thing he's conquered lately is a frozen pizza."
3. "I'll just sit back and let Dave defend my base!"
2. "Hey, look a random cow is approaching my base. I'll just ignore it."
1. "Goose, you pull the handle!"

Crumbles

02-14-2005, 12:34 PM

Top 8 Reasons People Who Went To Canada Because Of The Elections Are Suckers

Strange and maddening football games.
For reasons nobody can fathom, Canadian football is played on an enormous field, with 12 players on a side and only three downs, so every third play tends to be a punt. Canadian football alone is said to have driven an estimated 2 million Canadians across the border to become U.S. citizens. Many believe Bush could not have won without the disaffected Canadian football vote.

More Canadian music than you can imagine.
Radio stations must play Canadian music at least 35 percent of the time. Strict rules determine what music is Canadian enough to fill the quota. Though Celine Dion is Canadian, her hit “My Heart Will Go On” was insufficiently Canadian, since the lyricist, the songwriter, and the recording were non-Canadian. As a result, thoroughly Canadian pop music stays on the radio long enough to drive many Canadians to distraction, drink, and even Canadian football.

Except for murder, a rate of violent crime as disgraceful as that of the United States.
Many U.S. newspapers salute Canada for its low crime rate. But according to the International Crime Victimization Survey, the rate of certain “contact” crimes (robbery, sexual assault, and assault with force) is over 1.5 times higher in Canada than in the United States.

A national political leader every bit as hard to look at as George Bush.
People who detest President Bush’s syntax or cocky gait must consider Prime Minister Paul Martin’s disastrous smile. Martin’s speechwriter said the PM’s “fake smile leads one to assume that Martin’s foot is being stepped on by an antelope.”

Perplexing food decisions.
Never ask a grocer in Canada for “American” cheese or “Canadian” bacon. Un-Canadian anger may ensue. Also, approach the famous national dessert, the Canadian butter tart, with extreme caution. It is made with brown sugar, eggs, flour, vanilla, and lead. Strong men have been known to eat two at a single sitting, though, because of the lead content, they are usually unable to move for several days afterward.

The customary problems of socialized medicine.
A 2000 report from the Heritage Foundation found long waiting lists, government rationing, and substandard care in Canada’s system. Drug spending is controlled, according to the report, by limiting the number of approved drugs and slowing down the approval process. In one four-year period, Canada approved only 24 of 400 new drugs. Keep coming down here for healthcare, Canadians.

A national infatuation with censorship.
Canadians tend to be a benign people who value niceness. So they have a strong tendency to suppress speech that they see as lacking in niceness. Un-nice books and videos are seized at the border or banned from libraries. Any material cited for “undue exploitation of sex” or for being “degrading or dehumanizing” can be banned.

Speech is illegal if it “promotes hatred” or spreads “false news.” Advertising “directed at children” can be ruled illegal. If the recorded message on your answering machine is deemed discriminatory, you can be prosecuted for it. In Saskatchewan, a newspaper ad listing four biblical citations against homosexuality (just the listing, no text), accompanied by two hand-holding male stick figures with a line drawn across them, was ruled a human-rights offense, and the man who placed the ad was directed to pay $1,800 each to three gay men who were offended by the ad. “Canadians put up with an insane amount of crap that Americans might not,” said David Sutherland, former director of the British Columbia Civil Liberties Association.

Canada’s trying to be European.
Canada has been aping trends in Europe, from the obsession with multiculturalism, the rising contempt for religion, greater censorship, and even a declining birthrate. Canada’s birthrate is 1.49 children per woman, well below the replacement level of 2.1. Canada’s elites behave much like those of the United States, favoring judicially imposed decisions over democratic and legislative ones. In Canada, a smaller and less varied nation than the United States, the elites meet less resistance. But there are signs of a pushback. Though the Canadian and American press consistently give the impression that gay marriage is overwhelmingly favored in Canada, a February 2 National Post/Global National poll found that two thirds of Canadians oppose gay marriage and would likely vote against it in a national plebiscite. The polls suggest that Canadians are close to Americans on this issue. It’s elite opinion and judges that make Canada look different.

Hawkeye

03-23-2005, 02:38 PM

Top Ten Signs You've Hired A Bad Easter Bunny

10. Shows up wearing the costume head and nothing else.
9. Reeks of tequila and Easter egg dye.
8. Immediately asks if he can have Easter off.
7. Refuses to hop because it aggravates his double hernia.
6. For an extra 20 bucks, parents can buy an ounce of his special "Easter grass".
5. Only gives the kids candy after they attend his presentation on the time-share condos.
4. Keeps muttering something about "infidels" and "jihad".
3. Costume is made from animal skin he scraped off the interstate.
2. Habitually licks and grooms himself.
1. The enormous ears? Steroids.

Crumbles

03-23-2005, 03:18 PM

Top 10 Signs You Married The Wrong Chick

You find out today, thanks to her, you owe almost 1200 to the government
You find out today, thanks to her, you owe almost 1200 to the government
You find out today, thanks to her, you owe almost 1200 to the government
You find out today, thanks to her, you owe almost 1200 to the government
You find out today, thanks to her, you owe almost 1200 to the government
You find out today, thanks to her, you owe almost 1200 to the government
You find out today, thanks to her, you owe almost 1200 to the government
You find out today, thanks to her, you owe almost 1200 to the government
You find out today, thanks to her, you owe almost 1200 to the government
You find out today, thanks to her, you owe almost 1200 to the government
Kill me.

Hawkeye

03-23-2005, 04:36 PM

*rabble* wife hatred *rabble* Aww, come on. Don't be too hard on her. Everyone makes mistakes. Well, not necessarily $1200 mistakes, but mistakes none the less. Try to remember the good times!

Crumbles

03-23-2005, 10:27 PM

Aww, come on. Don't be too hard on her. Everyone makes mistakes. Well, not necessarily $1200 mistakes, but mistakes none the less. Try to remember the good times!
I suck, my wife rules. She fixed it. I didn't do a step on our taxes that she found and it fixed everything.

I figured I'd give her credit since she totally owned me. Now instead of owing $1200, we are getting back almost $500 ... :D

nagger

03-24-2005, 12:40 AM

hahahaha idiot ahahahahahah just proves that women are smarter then men...
thanks for that hahahaha

Hawkeye

03-24-2005, 09:50 AM

idiot, just proves that women are smarter then men... Whoah whoah, let's not get too carried away here.

Hawkeye

06-08-2005, 08:13 AM

Thought this was appropriate for Boy and some of his college buddies currently stuck in summer school.

Top Ten Signs You Are Headed For Summer School

10. You failed the Pledge of Allegiance
9. You take notes with the eraser end of the pencil
8. You identify more than half of the state capitals as "Funkytown"
7. Principal's final words before summer break: "See you tomorrow"
6. For your civics class project, you brought in several photos of Honda Civics
5. Whenever you enter the room, your family stops talking about Disneyland
4. Your history report was on President Martin Sheen
3. In your physics final, you keep referring to "gravity" as "gravy"
2. Latest report card includes several G's
1. You threw a phone at the principal

Hawkeye

06-09-2005, 08:09 AM

Number 8 is my favorite.

Top Ten Ways George Bush Can Regain His Popularity

10. Dip into social security fund to give every American free HBO
9. Use diplomacy to bring peace to Brad, Jen and Angelina
8. Try fixing Iraq, creating some jobs, reducing the deficit and maybe capturing Osama
7. Figure out a way for the Yankees to win a game
6. Replace his "country simpleton" persona with more lovable "hillbilly idiot" image
5. Use weekly radio address to give Americans a Van Halen twofer
4. Get Saddam to switch to boxers
3. Ditch the librarian and make Eva Longoria First Lady
2. Resign
1. Jump on Oprah's couch while professing his love for Katie Holmes

Hawkeye

07-21-2005, 03:58 PM

In light of the recent NASA thread, thought Crumbles would enjoy these:

Top Ten Successful NASA Missions (01/19/2000)

10. Navigated Toyota Camry through Wendy's drive-thru.
9. Paved nearly 40% of the moon.
8. Used space shuttle's robotic arm to give finger to Mir space station.
7. Some guy in propulsion systems department got 11 million points on "Asteroids."
6. Built lifelike robot and got him elected vice president.
5. Discovered 40 new "planets" after scientist sneezed on telescope lens.
4. Place satellite in orbit around Al Roker.
3. Developed something called the "Marv Probe."
2. Landed a man on Ellen DeGeneres.
1. While skyrocket was in flight, had some afternoon delight.

Hawkeye

07-26-2005, 01:34 PM

Top Ten George W. Bush Solutions For Global Warming

10. NASA mission to turn down the sun's thermostat
9. Federal subsidies to boost production of Cool Ranch Doritos
8. Fast track Rumsfeld's "Colonize Neptune" proposal
7. Convene Blue-Ribbon Committee to explore innovative ways of ignoring the problem
6. Let Hillary worry about it when she takes over
5. I dunno---tax cuts for the rich?
4. Give the boys at Halliburton 90-billion dollar contract to patch hole in ozone
3. Switch to celsius so scorching 98 becomes frosty 37
2. Keep plenty of Bud on ice
1. Invade Antartica

Extras:
- Burn more fossil fuels so smog will block sun's rays
- Convince Americans that saving the planet is just another liberal, "big government" scheme
- Next generation's gonna be so screwed paying off my deficit they ain't gonna notice global warming
- Torpedo big-ass bottle of Gatorade on the sun
- Have experts "look into it" while president focuses on Gameboy

Crumbles

07-26-2005, 08:49 PM

5. I dunno---tax cuts for the rich?*sigh*

Hawkeye

07-28-2005, 09:24 AM

Top Ten O.J. Simpson Excuses For Stealing Direct TV

10. For some reason, cable guy is afraid to come to the house
9. Spends a lot of time watching television now that it's too hot to go out and kill people
8. Wanted to see where he ranked on Court TV's 100 Creepiest Acquitted Murderers
7. Figured "real killers" might show up on one of them great premium movie channels
6. It was a rare lapse in judgement
5. Believe it or not, he's had a bit of trouble landing a job
4. "Hey, any publicity is good publicity, am I right?"
3. Cable's been out since he stabbed his television
2. Since when is stealing against the law?!
1. It's not like he killed anyone

SCSInet

08-01-2005, 12:26 PM

Top Ten George W. Bush Solutions For Global Warming

Nichole's response:

Top Ten Democrat Economic Reform Tactics:
10. BECAUSE YOU ARE STUPID.

that is all.

Crumbles

08-01-2005, 06:33 PM

Nichole's response:

Top Ten Democrat Economic Reform Tactics:
10. BECAUSE YOU ARE STUPID.

that is all.uh, what?

Hawkeye

08-02-2005, 09:51 AM

Hahahaha, oh man, I love Letterman.

Top Ten Signs George W. Bush Needs A Vacation

10. Sleeping more than usual during National Security briefings
9. Instead of appointing John Bolton U.N. Ambassador, appointed Michael Bolton
8. Replaced Labor Secretary Elaine Cho with a frozen Daquiri machine
7. Can barely muster the concentration to ignore intelligence memos
6. Will only make decisions during Home Shopping Network commercial breaks
5. It's been almost three weeks since his last vacation
4. Ordered the terror alert raised to SPF 45
3. So exhausted he asked Rafael Palmeiro to inject caffine in his ass
2. Doesn't even have the energy to invade Laura
1. He's drinking more than the twins

Hawkeye

08-31-2005, 10:49 AM

Top Ten Things I Have Learned in 12 Years at the Late Show

10. CBS will air anything
9. Nod politely and smile and guests will think you're actually listening
8. CBS's 12th anniversary gift? An old "Becker" mug
7. I can fly to Miami, shoot Suge Knight in the leg, and be back by show time the next day
6. Oprah hides her love for me behind a veil of hatred and disgust
5. Jack Hanna's "animals"? Actually third graders in costumes
4. Begging won't convince Paris Hilton to make a video with you
3. If a president gets it on with an intern, you've got ten years of material
2. Begging won't convince Barbara Walters to make a video with you
1. I should have quit eight years ago

Extras:
a. Don't give Courtney Love your cell phone number
b. Regis Philbin smells like bourbon & aerosol cheese
c. Whenever there's a fire drill in the building, people conveniently forget to tell me
d. My intern is usually the creepy kid who eats the copier ink

Hawkeye

09-06-2005, 01:56 PM

Top Ten Signs You Have A Bad Job

10. "It's a 12-hour commute each way"
9. "You know the guy who refills the ketchup bottles in the prison cafeteria? You're his assistant"
8. "You're Courtney Love's Publicist"
7. "For insurance purposes, Boss personally administers a daily physical"
6. "Sign outside your door reads, 'Jim's Office/Men's Room'"
5. "You're taken to and from work in the trunk of a car, blindfolded"
4. "Word 'throb' appears with surprising frequency in job application"
3. "You're working on Labor Day"
2. "Your name is George W. Bush (I'm sorry, that's a sign you're doing a bad job)"
1. "You're the idiot who has to change the gas prices on the sign every 5 minutes"

Crumbles

09-06-2005, 03:17 PM

9. "You know the guy who refills the ketchup bottles in the prison cafeteria? You're his assistant"HAHAHAHA! That's great, the assistant!

2. "Your name is George W. Bush (I'm sorry, that's a sign you're doing a bad job)"*sigh*

Hawkeye

09-06-2005, 04:24 PM

Top Ten Reasons P. Diddy Changed His Name To "Diddy"

10. Just wanted to be closer to the front of the phone book
9. He no longer wants to draw attention to the fact that his first name is Patricia
8. The "P" sounded infected
7. Hoping for career longevity by shedding a letter every five years
6. Sold the "P" on eBay for $12.99
5. Wanted to skip out on overdue library book charges
4. His true identity was revealed by Karl Rove
3. It's one step closer to changing his name to an unpronounceable symbol
2. Constant name changes required to mask lack of talent
1. Less time writin' means more time pimpin'

dannydud

09-08-2005, 10:11 PM

Top 10 things found 'Only in America'

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

dannydud

09-08-2005, 10:15 PM

Top 10 Reasons you may be a Liberal

10. You never could throw your full support behind John Kerry once you found out his first name is found in the Bible, of all places.

9. One of the few reasons you couldn't bring yourself to assasinate the president is you'd have to actually buy a gun.

8. Your opinions and values carry more weight than those that oppose you, because you care.

7. To save money you bought an effigy of Bush made of asbestos. You later returned it when you realized 'the bush burned with fire, but the bush was not consumed.' is ALSO found in the Bible.

6. You believe the death penalty should be abolished...after it's applied to those that support it.

5. You believe that any news service that doesn't keep 'Bush is EV1L Incarnate' as its lead story is undeniably linked to a Vast Right Wing Conspiracy.

4. Four years later and you are STILL protesting outside the Broward County Courthouse for Gore-Lieberman 2000.

3. You have made a sign which you carry to every protest that just says 'NO!'. It's written in your own blood from when you carved 'I'm Sorry, World' on your forehead.

2. You acknowlege the 'Vast Right Wing Conspiracy' exists and is inherently evil but often lose sleep at night worrying there are smaller 'Widespread Right Wing Conspiracies' that need to be stamped out too and aren't getting the attention they deserve.

1. You strongly believe cannibalism is wrong. Not because it takes a human life but because it's...meat.

Hawkeye

09-09-2005, 08:07 AM

Since we had a liberal joke, thought I'd throw in a conservative joke.

Top Ten Reasons I'm Not A Conservative:

Censorship. The complete absence of evidence that exposure to pornography or sexually-explicit material is harmful to children or anyone else doesn't stop conservatives from advocating massive censorship.
The War on Drugs. We found out that Prohibition was a bad idea back in the 1930s -- all it did was create a huge and virulent criminal class, erode respect for the law, and corrupt our politics. Some people never learn.
Creationism. I don't know who I find more revolting, the drooling morons who actally believe creationism or the intelligent panderers who know better but provide them with political cover for their religious-fundamentalist agenda in return for votes.
Abortion. The conservatives' looney-toon religious need to believe that a fertilized gamete is morally equivalent to a human being has done the other half of making a reasoned debate on abortion nigh-impossible.
Racism. I haven't forgiven the Right for segregation, Jim Crow laws, and lynching blacks. And I never will.
Sexism. Way too much conservative thought still reads like an apologia for keeping women barefoot, pregnant, and in the kitchen.
Anti-science. Stem cells, therapeutic cloning -- it doesn't matter how many more diabetes, cancer and AIDS patients have to die to protect the anti-abortion movement's ideological flanks. Knowledge -- who needs it? Conservatives would try suppressing astronomy if the telescope had just been invented.
Family values. Conservatives are so desperate to reassert the repressive `normalcy' they think existed in grand-dad's time that they pretend we can undo the effects of the automobile, television, the Pill, and the Internet. And should try to.
Ronald Wilson Reagan. A B-movie actor who thought ketchup was a vegetable. His grip on reality was so dangerously weak that the Alzheimer's made no perceptible difference. Conservatives worship him.
Conservatives, by and large, are villains.

dannydud

09-09-2005, 09:56 AM

Since we had a liberal joke, thought I'd throw in a conservative joke.

What, the other 6 conservative jokes out of the other 25 posts in this thread weren't enough??

Hawkeye

09-09-2005, 10:18 AM

What, the other 6 conservative jokes out of the other 25 posts in this thread weren't enough??Hey man, up until my last post all of my jokes were about George W. Bush being an asshat. Not ripping on conservatives, just our hill-billy president. On top of that, they are normally just the day's Top Ten list from David Letterman's site.

Crumbles

09-09-2005, 12:33 PM

Hey man, up until my last post all of my jokes were about George W. Bush being an asshat. Not ripping on conservatives, just our hill-billy president. On top of that, they are normally just the day's Top Ten list from David Letterman's site.I'm surprised you haven't started blaming Bush for Katrina (and rescue) yet ...

Hawkeye

09-09-2005, 03:39 PM

I'm surprised you haven't started blaming Bush for Katrina (and rescue) yet ...No, luckily the government has already found their scapegoat in this guy:

Michael Brown

Boy

09-09-2005, 05:43 PM

No, luckily the government has already found their scapegoat in this guy:

Michael Brown

"You're doing a heck of a job Brownie!" - GWB

protargol

09-09-2005, 06:10 PM

No, luckily the government has already found their scapegoat in this guy:

Michael Brown

He's a sharp and very busy guy...

A beleaguered Michael Brown said Friday he doesn't
know why he was removed from his onsite command of
Hurricane Katrina relief efforts, but he does know the
first thing he'll do when he returns to Washington.

"I'm going to go home and walk my dog and hug my wife,
and maybe get a good Mexican meal and a stiff
margarita and a full night's sleep," Brown told The
Associated Press.

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/n/a/2005/09/09/national/w123943D96.DTL (%0Ahttp://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/n/a/2005/09/09/national/w123943D96.DTL)

protargol

09-09-2005, 06:12 PM

"You're doing a heck of a job Brownie!" - GWB
Dare I say...
http://www.shoptybee.com/images/very-jeri/green-flip-flop-lrg.jpg

dannydud

09-09-2005, 10:52 PM

I'm surprised you haven't started blaming Bush for Katrina (and rescue) yet ...

Dude, if the sun blew up tomorrow, and we all only had 8 minutes before we were all vaporized, it would be Bush's fault.

NY Times website frontpage....

Sun Blows Up, Life on Earth Will Cease
Experts say Bush at fault

Crumbles

09-09-2005, 11:09 PM

Dude, if the sun blew up tomorrow, and we all only had 8 minutes before we were all vaporized, it would be Bush's fault.

NY Times website frontpage....

Sun Blows Up, Life on Earth Will Cease
Experts say Bush at faulthahahahahah, so true. so true.

Hawkeye

09-10-2005, 06:09 PM

hahahahahah, so true. so true.I think many people are doubting the government's (as a whole) response to Hurricane Katrina. The President, being the figurehead for the entire government, becomes a lighting rod for that doubt.

http://www.cnn.com/2005/US/09/10/bush.poll.ap/index.html

Crumbles

09-10-2005, 07:28 PM

I think many people are doubting the government's (as a whole) response to Hurricane Katrina. The President, being the figurehead for the entire government, becomes a lighting rod for that doubt.

http://www.cnn.com/2005/US/09/10/bush.poll.ap/index.htmlThe biggest thing I disapprove of Bush doing is sending a shitload of money to New Orleans.

Hawkeye

09-10-2005, 09:16 PM

The biggest thing I disapprove of Bush doing is sending a shitload of money to New Orleans.Do I dare ask your solution?

Jake's Mom

09-14-2005, 12:48 PM

I just got a new Mercedes, and returned to the dealer the next day, complaining that I couldn't figure out how the radio worked. The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.

"Watch this!", he said. "Nelson!" The radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?" "Willie!" he continued . . . and On The Road Again came from the speakers.

I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, "Beethoven!" I'd get beautiful classical music, if I said, "Beatles!" I'd get one of their awesome songs.

One day, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed my new car, but I swerved in time to avoid them.

"A__-HOLES!" I yelled . . . The French National Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda and Michael Moore, backed up by John Kerry on the guitar, Al Gore on the drums and Bill Clinton on the sax . . .

"God, I LOVE this car!"

Hawkeye

09-14-2005, 03:41 PM

Although I don't really agree with blaming the entire thing on Michael Brown, the list is funny nonetheless.

Top Ten Questions On The FEMA Director Application

10. "Are you able to convey a false sense of security?"
9. "What percentage of your resume is fabricated?"
8. "In a crisis, which state or local officials would you blame?"
7. "What are your plans after you resign?"
6. "Do you mind if the last guy left the office smelling like Arabian horses?"
5. "Which is most serious: A disaster, a catastrophe, or a dis-astrophe?"
4. "Does Robert Blake dating again count as an emergency?"
3. "Can the president easily add '-ie' to your last name to form a nickname?"
2. "Can you screw up bad enough to take the heat off the president's mistakes?"
1. "Michael Brown...Idiot or moron?"

Extras:
- Do you consider yourself ineffectual or incompetent?"
- "Can you get us free tickets to horse shows?"
- "Can you please list any previous hurricanes we may contact as references?"
- "If a tornado and an earthquake strike at the same time, which do you ignore first?"
- "What's the deal with Sean Penn?"

dannydud

09-14-2005, 08:41 PM

While I firmly think that any problems with the hurricane handling have been overblown because most people in 'the media' have been/are still looking for anything they can to overly criticize the president and his administration. That list is pretty funny!!

A dis-astrophe.
Do you condiser yourself ineffectual or incompetent?

Hawkeye

10-02-2005, 11:33 PM

Hahaha, this stuff just writes itself...

Top Ten George W. Bush Tax-Saving Tips

10. "Reduce White House electric bill by spending more time vacationing on ranch"
9. "Armed forces only defend America during normal business hours"
8. "Start charging Saddam Hussein for all them Doritos we're giving him"
7. "Endangered species need to get off their asses and protect themselves"
6. "Sign endorsement deal renaming the country 'The United States of Applebee's'"
5. "For 'Hail to the Chief', you really only need one guy with a clarinet"
4. "Switch to domestic beer"
3. "Instead of foreign aid, Hallmark cards that read, 'Good luck with your country'"
2. "For a million bucks, offer Bill Clinton one night with Laura"
1. "Don't start a new war until you're done with the old one"

Hawkeye

10-18-2005, 01:48 PM

Top Ten Thoughts Going Through George W. Bush's Mind At This Moment (see picture)

10. "This should make up for me waiting a week to respond to the hurricane"
9. "Dang, this is fun--I should bring a hammer to cabinet meetings"
8. "Why won't they let me handle the power tools?"
7. "Great, another thing I'm not good at"
6. "This is the kind of thing we should be paying Halliburton 800 bucks an hour to do"
5. "Do I get to keep the hard hat?"
4. "It's Hammer Time!"
3. "I've got to finish pretending to build a house so I can go pretend to comfort people"
2. "Georgie's gonna need another five weeks off"
1. "Only thing Clinton ever nailed was that hefty intern"

Hawkeye

10-26-2005, 08:46 AM

Top Ten Ways To Cheer Up George W. Bush

10. "Fully loaded Tex-Mex fixins bar at every cabinet meeting"
9. "Use wacky sound effects for weekly radio addresses"
8. "Replace Oval Office bust of Theodore Roosevelt with bust of Kenny Rogers"
7. "Remind him it's only 6 weeks until 'The Dukes of Hazzard' comes out on DVD"
6. "Talk to him about things he holds dear: Health, Family, Shady Halliburton Contracts"
5. "Speechwriters sprinkle in the occasional 'You might be a redneck if...' joke"
4. "Two words: Free Gum"
3. "Get Air Force One pimped"
2. "Suprise him with invasion plans for every country on Earth"
1. "Remind him in a few years, Iraq will be Hillary's mess"

Hawkeye

11-11-2005, 10:24 AM

This list is regarding the 18 year-old Hillsdale, Michigan boy who won the write-in vote to be his town's mayor yesterday: http://www.detnews.com/2005/metro/0511/09/0met-377073.htm

Top Ten Good Things About Being An 18-Year-Old Mayor

10. "Parents try to tell me what to do, I raise their taxes"
9. "Every night, a different member of the town council does my homework"
8. "It's every teen's dream: The power to regulate zoning laws"
7. "Goodbye, education budget -- Hello, brand new X-box"
6. "I got a call from Demi Moore"
5. "Trying to get the city hall on an episode of 'MTV Cribs'"
4. "I don't have to wait in line at Applebee's anymore"
3. "School bullies now have to deal with the Feds"
2. "Only victory speech featuring the word 'Dude'"
1. "It's flattering when President Bush calls me for advice"

Boy

11-11-2005, 02:00 PM

7. "Goodbye, education budget -- Hello, brand new X-box"

Haha I like this one.

Hawkeye

11-14-2005, 10:20 AM

Top Ten Things Overheard During Prince Charles' Trip to America

10. "No, President Bush, I can't introduce you to Harry Potter"
9. "Yes, your royal highness, the San Francisco queens are quite different from the ones you have at home"
8. "When do we get to visit Britney and Kevin's place?"
7. "So how do I get on that 'Wife Swap' show?"
6. "Wow, he has the kind of grace and dignity that only comes with centuries of royal inbreeding"
5. "These are amazing relics from the past, the Liberty Bell, Plymouth Rock, and Cher"
4. "Screw hitting the White House, let's go to the Indian casinos"
3. "No, Mr. President, he's not the one that sings 'Purple Rain'"
2. "Mommy, look! It's Dumbo!"
1. "George Takei is gay?"

Hawkeye

11-22-2005, 08:26 AM

Top Ten Thoughts Going Through George W. Bush's Mind At This Moment (see picture)

10. "Damn, Al-Queda"
9. "Am I that hungover?"
8. "Wish I'd thought of an exit strategy"
7. "It was easier to get out of the national guard"
6. "Hey, at least I didn't throw up like daddy"
5. "I just heard Oprah's going on Letterman"
4. "I know how to solve this problem - - tax cuts for the rich"
3. "I hope this doesn't hurt my chances of getting reelected"
2. "I need another five week vacation"
1. "Talk to Condi about invading China"

Crumbles

11-22-2005, 08:57 AM

Hawkeye

11-22-2005, 08:58 AM

Wow, that was the most heavily democratic top 10 list I have ever read to this date. Did you write that one? http://www.cbs.com/latenight/lateshow/top_ten/

Edit: You know it's possible to think the President is a moron and not be a Democrat, right? Furthermore, it is also possible to not be a Republican and not be a Democrat too.

protargol

11-22-2005, 05:46 PM

Edit: You know it's possible to think the President is a moron and not be a Democrat, right?
Only if you hate America and are a terrorist :)

Crumbles

11-22-2005, 06:32 PM

Edit: You know it's possible to think the President is a moron and not be a Democrat, right?I have never heard from one Republican or Libertarian that disrespects the President as those lists do, and as Democrats do.

Furthermore, it is also possible to not be a Republican and not be a Democrat too.Umm... ok? It's possible to get cheese without onion too.

Only if you hate America and are a terrorist :)I don't think all Democrats hate America, but I do pretty much think all of them are idiots. Their way of thinking is just mind blowing. Usually as they get older they tend to change though. That says alot about them....

Hawkeye

11-22-2005, 07:28 PM

I have never heard from one Republican or Libertarian that disrespects the President as those lists do, and as Democrats do.I'm sorry you are incapable of laughing at the President's shortcomings. They are jokes, which are meant to be funny. Lighten up.Umm... ok? It's possible to get cheese without onion too.The point of that statement was to show that just because a person isn't a Republican doesn't automatically make them a Democrat. And vice versa. You seem to think that anyone who dislikes the President or who doesn't agree with every single decision the Bush administration makes is automatically a Democrat.I don't think all Democrats hate America, but I do pretty much think all of them are idiots. Their way of thinking is just mind blowing. Usually as they get older they tend to change though. That says alot about them....I'm sorry you feel that way. As a moderate I am able to see the positives and negatives of each party without having to tie myself down to a paritcular party's political belief structure. While I don't agree with a lot of what the Republican party believes, I also do not believe a lot of what the Democratic party believes. It allows me to stay open minded.

Crumbles

11-22-2005, 07:42 PM

I'm sorry you are incapable of laughing at the President's shortcomings. They are jokes, which are meant to be funny. Lighten up.In order for those "jokes" to be funny, I'd have to agree that the war is a sham and everything else Democrats do. I don't, therefore, they aren't funny to me. I know you want comunism and all, but damn, at least let me keep my opinion without you thinking I need to "lighten up."

The point of that statement was to show that just because a person isn't a Republican doesn't automatically make them a Democrat. And vice versa. You seem to think that anyone who dislikes the President or who doesn't agree with every single decision the Bush administration makes is automatically a Democrat.That's because 99% of them are.

I'm sorry you feel that way. As a moderate I am able to see the positives and negatives of each party without having to tie myself down to a paritcular party's political belief structure. While I don't agree with a lot of what the Republican party believes, I also do not believe a lot of what the Democratic party believes. It allows me to stay open minded.As I am sorry you feel that way too. I can't believe you find anything positive about Democrats. I still remember the very day you told me you had swayed. It blew my mind. I remember where I was standing, where you were standing, everything. That's how shocked I was.

protargol

11-22-2005, 08:12 PM

As I am sorry you feel that way too. I can't believe you find anything positive about Democrats. I still remember the very day you told me you had swayed. It blew my mind. I remember where I was standing, where you were standing, everything. That's how shocked I was.

I mean welfare programs are crazy talk. Who in their right mind would want to provide healthcare for people who can't afford it? And we should also cut funding for student loans because those people don't need it as much as the people getting the tax cuts. And who needs to worry about changing fuel from the oil standard. As long as we have ANWAR to drill, we might as well not change our habit. Shoot, we don't even have to be mildly efficient either. Wouldn't want our freedom of crappy mileage infringed upon. I'm an American not a commi!

Crumbles

11-22-2005, 09:28 PM

I mean welfare programs are crazy talk. Who in their right mind would want to provide healthcare for people who can't afford it? And we should also cut funding for student loans because those people don't need it as much as the people getting the tax cuts. And who needs to worry about changing fuel from the oil standard. As long as we have ANWAR to drill, we might as well not change our habit. Shoot, we don't even have to be mildly efficient either. Wouldn't want our freedom of crappy mileage infringed upon. I'm an American not a commi!You just named problems. It's in the solutions where the difference lies.

Democrats = more government
Libertarians = less

Aren't you supposed to be on the Democratic debate team?

ouch.

Boy

11-23-2005, 12:56 AM

Democrats = more government
Libertarians = lessThanks, Webster.Aren't you supposed to be on the Democratic debate team?No, he's the vice president of the College Democrats, but I'm still pretty sure he could own you in any serious debate ever.

Crumbles

11-23-2005, 07:55 AM

No, he's the vice president of the College Democrats, but I'm still pretty sure he could own you in any serious debate ever.I seriously don't know weather to laugh, or cry.

dannydud

11-26-2005, 05:21 PM

As much as I completely disagree with those lists, I actually think that a lot of them are pretty funny. In the last one posted, the exit strategy comment is funny, you have to admit.

But I have a comment on the tax cut thing. As of 2002, in terms of per capita income, 15 of the 'richest' 19 states went blue in the 2004 presidential election. Include DC and that means that 16 of the 20 richest states/areas in the country voted for Kerry in 2004. So on average, the 'tax cuts for the rich' are benefitting more blue staters and more democratic people than the red state people.

http://www.catalogueforphilanthropy.org/cfp/db/generosity.php?year=2004&orderby=having_rank

Boy

11-28-2005, 01:39 AM

I seriously don't know weather to laugh, or cry.

You could start out by going to weather.com (http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=weather)

Crumbles

11-28-2005, 09:03 AM

You could start out by going to weather.com (http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=weather)Yea, I tried that, but "noyone" there could help me...

dannydud

11-28-2005, 10:39 AM

And who needs to worry about changing fuel from the oil standard. As long as we have ANWAR to drill, we might as well not change our habit. Shoot, we don't even have to be mildly efficient either. Wouldn't want our freedom of crappy mileage infringed upon. I'm an American not a commi!

See, I have a little bit of a problem with that thinking. I am a home appraiser, who covers pretty much the entire state of Ohio in my job. I drive anywhere from 50 to 500 miles per day every day for work. Driving is my livelihood. There is nothing I can do to conserve gas. I HAVE to drive that amount of miles to earn a living. I am sorry that I don't have a job where I can live 10 miles from work or can ride the bus or subway to work. Life doesn't work that way for me. I wanted to own my own business, and do it without having a million dollars in overhead. This is 1 way to do it. There are something like 120,000 licensed appraisers in Ohio alone, each of whom do what I do (or something similar) every day. Now I do drive a Chevy Cavalier, which is probably more fuel efficient than most cars. But I am sure as hell not going to switch to a hybrid or a metro to conserve on fuel any more. I have family that allows me to get the family and friends discount with GM with every car that I buy (hence the Cobalt purchase after my wife wrecked her car), so I am not going to ever buy another make of car and I have every right to drive whatever I want, as does everyone else. I have a real problem with the liberal thinking that everyone should just cut down on gas consumption. I am not saying that you are one of these people, Protargol, but a lot of people think this way. "If everyone just cuts down on their gas use, then our dependence on foreign oil would lessen." There are millions of people in situations like mine in this country - cutting down on consumption means cutting down on workload, which means cutting down the bottom line. I will never do that. ANWR seems like a great idea to people like me, who simply cannot cut down our usage. The comparison I like when dealing with ANWR is a postage stamp to a football field. This is the necessary area we would be 'sullying' in ANWR. The size of a postage stamp on a football field. 2,000 acres out of 19,000,000, 17,500,000 acres of which are permanently closed to any type of development. Nope, lets not drill there....let's make everyone in America drive a hybrid vehicle.

Hawkeye

12-01-2005, 07:35 AM

Even though I know I'm just putting a flame near a powder keg, I'd like to get the Top Ten lists back on track. Plus this list is still pretty funny!

Top Ten New President Bush Strategies For Victory in Iraq

10. "Make an even larger 'Mission Accomplished' sign"
9. "Encourage Iraqis to settle their feud like Dave and Oprah"
8. "Put that go-getter Michael Brown in charge"
7. "Launch slogan, 'It's not Iraq, it's Weraq'"
6. "Just do whatever he did when he captured Osama"
5. "A little more vacation time at the ranch to clear his head"
4. "Pack on a quick 30 pounds and trade places with Jeb"
3. "Wait, you mean it ain't going well?"
2. "Boost morale by doing his hilarious 'Locked Door' gag"
1. "Place Saddam back in power and tell him, 'It's your problem now, dude'"

Boy

12-01-2005, 12:55 PM

Isnt tonight the night Oprah is on Letterman?

Hawkeye

12-05-2005, 08:03 AM

Top Ten Reasons Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey Have Separated

10. Tired of Jessica's parents asking, "So Nick, what do you do?" at family gatherings
9. Irreconcilable differences on the issue of "tastes great" versus "less filling"
8. New state law mandates that all families must have combined IQ of 100
7. Constant bickering over who's prettier
6. They finally watched their own show
5. Nick just got tired of all those discussions about nuclear physics
4. They read in the tabloids that they were separated, figured it must be true
3. Unlike TomKat, they couldn't agree on a catchy nickname
2. Jessica caught lip-syncing during sex
1. Who cares?

Crumbles

12-05-2005, 09:01 AM

Isnt tonight the night Oprah is on Letterman?Boy, the regular guys this morning were talking about how when Oprah was on Letterman, it tripled his viewers to 14 million! Are you fucking kidding me! Damn Oprah has a big ass following!

Top Ten Reasons Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey Have Separated*checks Hawkeye's forehead*

Hawkeye

12-05-2005, 09:15 AM

Boy, the regular guys this morning were talking about how when Oprah was on Letterman, it tripled his viewers to 14 million! Are you fucking kidding me! Damn Oprah has a big ass following!Plus CBS and the national media hyped it up as this big "feud" between the two of them. I Tivo'ed it and watched it last night, according to Dave, Oprah hadn't been on his show in 16 years!

*checks Hawkeye's forehead*Yeah, no Dubya jokes today. Thought I'd shake things up a bit.

protargol

12-05-2005, 10:37 AM

Boy, the regular guys this morning were talking about how when Oprah was on Letterman, it tripled his viewers to 14 million! Are you fucking kidding me! Damn Oprah has a big ass following!
[/u]

Boy jacked the TV that we were playing Xbox on so he could watch it. I don't care about Oprah and the show seemed to turn into a "Dave, you're questions are so deep! I feel like our souls have bonded at a very sacred level" rant.

Hawkeye

02-28-2006, 08:04 AM

Top Ten H&R Block Excuses

10. "Instead of CPA training, employees got CPR training"
9. "Forgot to carry the one 32 million times"
8. "For years we've been secretly funding Hamas"
7. "H was out sick that day and R was on jury duty"
6. "We were using Martha Stewart's guy"
5. "Were testing the world's first accounting monkey"
4. "Come on, it's a couple of dollars. It's not like we shot a guy in the face..."
3. "Hard to stay focused when you've been drinking since April 16th"
2. "Thirty-two million dollars?! We lose that much on a good day"
1. "Hoping for hot make-up sex with the IRS"

Extras:
"Oh, like you never cheated on your taxes?"
"Chairman Henry Bloch has been acting odd ever since he started dating Katie Holmes"
"Got swept up in the rebellious, fast-paced accountant lifestyle"
"Could have sworn hookers were deductible"
"Tax code is so confusing, you practically need a degree in accounting to understand it"
"Gretzky's wife convinced us to put a couple Mil on Bode Miller"
"We're not good with all that numbers stuff"If you don't get the joke, read the news story: [ LINK (http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/financial_hrblock_earns_dc) ]

Hawkeye

03-06-2006, 10:00 AM

Top Ten Dumb Guys Ways To Slow Down Global Warming

10. Reverse fans on all greenhouses to keep the greenhouse gas in
9. Kill all them iceberg-eatin' penguins
8. Report all temperatures in Celsius
7. Ban Hot Pockets
6. Get rid of Eva Longoria 'cause that girl is hot!
5. Send a rocket to blow up the sun
4. Step one: unzip pants. Step two: insert ice
3. Stop Paris Hilton from calling everything "hot"
2. Tell your Energy Secretary he's doing a "heck of a job"
1. To hell with stopping it! More girls in bikinis!

Hawkeye

08-07-2006, 06:48 PM

Top Ten Chapter Titles In George W. Bush's Memoirs

10. "101 Ways I've Misspelled 'Condoleezza'"
9. "Why Mom And Dad Voted For Kerry"
8. "The Best Memos I've Never Read"
7. "The War In Iraq, A 6-Foot Sandwich, And Other Things I Started But Couldn't Finish"
6. "How To Lose An Election And Still Become President"
5. "Good News, America - Just 923 More Days"
4. "1962-1964: The Cheerleader Years"
3. "Huh?"
2. "Bubba Was Right -- Monica Is Up For Anything"
1. "Chapter 20...Or is That My Approval Rating?"

Hawkeye

08-24-2006, 08:55 AM

Top Ten Questions To Ask Yourself Before Buying Paris Hilton's Bed

10. Does it come with penicillin?
9. Will it make my wife more whorey?
8. Is it really made out of super-strong polymers developed by NASA?
7. Is the "please take a number" device included?
6. Which famous slut's bed does consumer reports recommend buying?
5. Does sleeping on this bed qualify me to be a Greek shipping heir?
4. Can it comfortably sleep five?
3. Do I need the undercoating?
2. Can I just pay her to break in my current bed?
1. Why is Regis' name carved into the headboard?

Extras:

What's the opposite of "gently used?"
Will Hillary get mad if I buy it?
Can it comfortably sleep myself and my inflatable girlfriend?
Where is the nearest delousing station?

Hawkeye

09-19-2006, 09:26 AM

Top Ten Signs Your Television Show Is Going To Be Cancelled

10. It's entitled, "Everybody Loves Osama"
9. Instead of laughing, studio audience shouts, "Let's burn down the studio"
8. The frequent lulls while the lead character attempts to remember his lines
7. It stars the remains of Desi Arnaz
6. "Variety" calls it "A thrill ride similar to eating tainted spinach"
5. To keep costs down, show is taped by elevator security cameras
4. It nabbed the coveted 3 AM time slot
3. One of 15 NBC shows based on backstage at "Saturday Night Live"
2. The opening credits include the word "Hasselhoff"
1. Their big idea is something called "Ventriloquist Week"

Hawkeye

09-28-2006, 11:20 AM

Top Ten Questions To Ask Yourself Before Ordering The Burger King Quad Stacker

10. "Are my papers in order?"
9. "Can I get it supersized?"
8. "Will I have time to run 298 miles to burn off the calories?"
7. "Could this have anything to do with why the rest of the world hates us?"
6. "Should I talk to my doctor about Lipitor?"
5. "Can I get it on a low-carb bun?"
4. "How come there isn't any sausage on this bad boy?"
3. "Why is Burger King making me sign a release form?"
2. "Should I wait til they come out with the 'Quint Stacker'?"
1. "Do I have my cardiologist on speed dial?"

Extras:

"Will 8 pieces of bacon be enough?"
"Will I have room for an apple pie?"
"How much does it cost to have a crane lift you out of bed every day?"
"Do I really have much to live for, anyway?"
"What's it like to sweat mayonnaise?"
"Would it be healthier just to eat the fat kid behind the counter?"
"Do I prefer the nickname 'Tubby' or 'Lard-Ass'?"